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The best jokes and joke writers!

Signs and Notices 01

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"

At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"

Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road."

Signs and Notices Continued

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on a scientist's door: "Gone fission."

Sign in a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

Sign in a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

Sign on used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."

Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Sign over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."

Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Signs

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet."

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."

Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."

Bumper Stickers

  • I love animals, they taste great.
  • EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
  • "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest!
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 

Oprectomy

KENMORE HOSPITAL

61 COMMONWEALTH AVE.

BOSTON, MA. 02115

DATE:____________NAME:____________ADDRESS: ____________

Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for_______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of this extremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connects your eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shitty outlook on life. 

Sincerely, J. Grabber, M.D.

Kenmore Hospital