We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

First Night Back

One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room. We talked for a short while but then things got hot. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway. "If you'll be a good girl and go to bed, I'll give you a quarter," I said to her. Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.

"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."

Mystery Meat

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!"

Poker

One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and they're having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says "we're playing poker" and the mother says "And I'm his partner." He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what they're doing. The grandfather says "We're playing poker" and the grandmother says "and I'm his partner." He then goes into his brothers room and he's wanking. He asks what he's doing. The brother says "I'm playing poker." The other brother asks why he doesn't have a partner and the brother replies, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

Almost Lost Mom

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned, "Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?" His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" asked his father. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on her back with her legs in the air, screaming, 'Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming!' If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

Learning to Pick Up Toys

Dad: Look at this room. It's a mess. When will our kids start picking up toys?

Mom: When they have kids!