Learning to Pick Up Toys

Dad: Look at this room. It's a mess. When will our kids start picking up toys?
Mom: When they have kids!

Change the Course of Thanksgiving

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.
5. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

Suarez the Cannibal

Q: Did you hear about Suarez the cannibal?
A: Relatively ordinary guy, has a house, a beautiful wife, loves to eat Italian.