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The best jokes and joke writers!

Ireland Radio Contest

A Cork, Ireland radio station was holding an on-air contest to see who could come up with the best word not in a dictionary that would still make sense in a sentence. One of the first callers used the word G-O-A-N, pronounced "go-an." "Okay, caller. How would you use this in a sentence?" "Go-an. Goan fuck yerself!" Concerned about it being a family show, the DJ quickly hung up on the man. After fielding a bunch more unsuccessful calls, another caller calls up with the word S-M-E-E, pronounced "smee." "Okay, caller. How would you use this in a sentence?" "Smee again. Goan fuck yerself!"

Bragging

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Big Smile

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy about?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said, "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said, "It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?" "Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I told her, "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Mike. Much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, "It's either screw or swim!" She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad about?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" So I said, "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.

I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said, "It's either screw or swim!" She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!

Where Do You Live?

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Irish Pilots

(Setting the scene: Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EL109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the instrument landing systems. In a fit of panic, Paddy the pilot turns to his co-pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...We'll have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!." Mick says to Paddy, "No Problem...sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!' "OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies, "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just head North" "Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen minutes later Paddy asks, "Where are we now Mick?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies, "We're over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction." Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies, "Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...bank left here and you should be on course for runway one. Paddy, responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on runway one. Paddy turns to Mick and says, "That was brilliant, but, tell me, how did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats." "Well!" said Mick, "when I pulled my hand back in, my watch was gone!"