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The best jokes and joke writers!

Blow up the Tires

A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry, we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?". The attendant responds, "Sorry, but no oil either."

The man thinks and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant,  "Just what kind of petrol station is this?".  The attendant then looks both ways and very carefully whispers to the man, "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front.".  The man then says, "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tires !"

53,000 Irishman

53,000 Irishmen meet for the 'Irish Are Not Stupid' convention.

Paddy Mcloughlin addresses the crowd.. 
'We are all here today to prove to the world that the Irish are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Mick O'Rourke gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Paddy asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Mick says, 'Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Irishmen start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Paddy says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here,
I think we can give him another chance.'
So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'

Paddy looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Mick starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Irishmen begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Paddy, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Mick closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Irish crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance! 

Irish Couple

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls," received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels. "Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you." The husband replied, "If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

The Irishman's Missing Dog

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"  So he does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy!" he replies.

Lost All of My Luggage

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick."No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out," said the Irishman.