The Right Stuff
I was in a job interview for a sales position and the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. An hour later he called me and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$250 and it's yours."
The Office Happenings
- Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
- Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
- A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
- My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
- My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
- My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
- I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself.
- My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
- He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery.
- He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
- Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
- Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
- HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
- Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
Bad Things To Include in Your Resume
- I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
- I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
- I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
- I know where you live.
- Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
- I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
- Happy faces.
- By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
- I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.
The Job Interview
Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself, I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99."
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says..."A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got -dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?!"
The Signalman's Test
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash!"