Hand Surgery

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."

Ink Spots

Who the hell is this Rorschach guy?
And why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?

Speedy

Tucker is a slow worker. He gets a job at the local zoo and the keeper, aware of his reputation, tells him to take care of the tortoises. Later, the keeper drops by to see how Tucker is getting on and finds him standing by an empty cage. “Where are the tortoises?” asks the keeper. Tucker shrugs, “I just opened the door and…Whooooosh!”