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The best jokes and joke writers!

Explaining His Claim

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, what the heck would you have said to him?"

Collection Man

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses they were "protecting."  Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.  If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.  Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000! But he gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find him and drag the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is!"  The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!" The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger!"

Define Agony

Q: What is the definition of Agony?

A: A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

Gifts for a Blind Mom

Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.

Blind Man Bunjee Jumping

Q: Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?

A: It scared the hell out of the dog!