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The best jokes and joke writers!

Throw Yourself Into Work

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself." "Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy." "How?" asked Joe. "Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?" "I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

Epstein & Ornaments

Q: What do Christmas decorations and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?

A: They don’t hang themselves.

Watching For Suicide

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to anger him.

I Get No Respect Part 2

  • I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  • My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
  • I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
  • Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said "I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
  • I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your mark..."
  • On Halloween parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
  • I had a lot of pimples when I was younger. One day I fell asleep in a library; I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
  • My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Calista Flockhart With Dental Floss

Q: What can Calista Flockhart do with dental floss?

A: Hang herself.