Dark Humor Jokes - Suicide Jokes

Q: What NFL record did Aaron Hernandez just set?

A: Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt.

Q: What's the loss record for Pro Russian roulette players?

A: One

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invites two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth wile quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHOOT!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the senior center.

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is. He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger. Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand