Jumping the Gun

I went to a crematorium to plan my wife's funeral, but apparently she has to be dead first.

In the ravine.

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron!"

He Will Just Have To Use The Ashtray

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. This startles her so that she drops the vase,  ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out,  "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just  from Wal-Mart." The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"