Dark Humor Jokes

Q: How do you stop a taliban tank?

A: Shoot the guy pushing it.

I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline.

They said just do it.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my fifteen-year-old sister said she missed two. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Your mom calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

Q: How do Catholics separate the men from the boys?

A: With a crowbar.