SMS Glitch

A man from Illinois left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick text message. Unfortunately there was a glitch in the SMS messaging system and his text message was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow read the text message, she let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw the message on her phone: "Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. PS. Sure is hot down here."

At the Top of the Stairs

Q: What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?
A: A quadriplegic in a house fire.

Christmas Bridge

Christmas Eve, a miserable woman stands on the edge of a high bridge contemplating suicide. As she goes to step off she feels resistance from behind. She turns around to see Santa Claus holding her jacket.
"Santa Claus??" exclaims the woman, "Yes, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?" Asks Santa.
"Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me, and my cancer has returned."
Santa replies, "Fret not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you will have a message from your boss giving you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with the children, you will have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone."
"My goodness!" exclaims the woman. "That is truly a miracle, is there any way I can ever repay you?"
"There is one thing... how about a blowjob?"
"Well... sure!"
The woman gets on her knees, unzips Santa, gives him the best blower of his life, and slurps up every last bit.
As Santa is about to leave, he asks the woman "by the way, how old are you?" "I'm 27" replies the woman while wiping her mouth. "You're 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?" he replies while chuckling heartily, walking into the night.