Red, White, and Blue

Q: What's red, white and blue and makes the entire community happy?
A: Smurfette deep-throating a candy cane.

Walmart Greeter

So I finally landed a job as a Walmart greeter. About two hours into my first day on the job a loud, mean and unattractive woman enters the store with her two children yelling obscenities at them the whole way.
Per my greeter instructions, I pleasantly said, "Good Morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there, are they twins?"
Agitated, the women sharply fires back, "Hell no, they ain't twins. This here one is 7, and this other one is 10. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, stupid, or both?"
To which I replied, "Ma'am, I am neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that someone slept with you twice."

Kenny Rogers Bus Crash

Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire. The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened. Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain. Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress. The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words? "Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing... "You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel"...