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The best jokes and joke writers!

Clearing It

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangeled Banner! Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he finishes the disgusted bartender says, "Why in the hell did you shit on my bar?" The drunk replies "Even Elvis had to clear his throat!"

The Proposition

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?" In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!" The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss." In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I will call the police if you say another word!!" Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door. Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements." The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "You'd do all that for me all night long for just two dollars?! What's that?...You'd do it to every guy in this bar for just another ten dollars?!"

On the House

Q: Can you get free drinks by sleeping with the bartender?

A: It's worth a shot.

Guessing the Drink

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell. A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name." "You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay." So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!" "Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

We Have Plenty of Those

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.
After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan, "we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas." The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali." The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock. "Relax, kids," said the Seattlite cooly, "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin' shitload of Californians. No big deal."