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The best jokes and joke writers!

Smartie and Polo in the Pub

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.  Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug."Fuck me!" shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.  "What the fuck are you doing that for?",  says Smartie. "That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see him, so I'm hiding from him." says Polo. "You should stand up to him" says Smartie. "He'll respect you more if you do".

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap. "Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I'll knock the fucking shit out of you", says Polo. "Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink?", says Humbug. "Told you so!" says Smartie.

The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again when in walks Humbug with his mate, Tune. "Fuck me!" shouts Polo again, diving under the table. "What the fuck are you doing that for again?", says Smartie. "I know you said stand up to bullies, but that's Tune" says Polo. "So what?", says Smartie.  "He's fucking menthol!" says Polo.

Mop Face Fight

I got in a bar fight one time with a big tough guy who said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Tough Guy Eh?

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happened. "As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long!" The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket. "He also said he wants to screw me all night long" By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table. "He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night" The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer. His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table. The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer."

Black Eyes

A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

Leprechaun Pee

A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all his legs. The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat. "If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again, or I'll rip off your little tallywagger," yells the mean-looking guy. After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again. This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun. "All right, I've got you this time. I warned you -- now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywagger!" The leprechaun laughs, "You can't do that." "Why not?" asks his captor. "Because," giggles the leprechaun, "leprechauns don't have tallywaggers." "Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?" growls the angry man, "How in the hell do you pee?" "Just like this," laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.