Bar Jokes

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the barender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser. The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?" She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore!"

A wild-eyed and butt-ugly old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, DC waving a pistol. She yelled out, "I have a Kimber 1911 with seven rounds in the mag and one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband!" 

A female voice from the back of the room yelled back at her, "You're gonna' need more ammo Hillary!"

This guy is setting at a bar, and he's had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no. The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks, "Well isn't there anything that you can give me?" The bartender says, "I've got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs. The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch. The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says, "Sure I can talk!" The guy thinks for a second and then says, "I've got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I'm gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man." The parrot agrees to watch the man's wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

Parrot: "Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!"

Man: "Then what happened after that?"

Parrot: "They started taking each other's clothes off."

Man: "And then what?"-getting more angry

Parrot: "Your wife started jacking him off!"

Man: "What next?"-really steamed by this time

Parrot: "She started giving him a blow job!"

Man: "And what then, did they do anything else?"

Parrot: "I don't know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!"

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
There were empties and butts
Left around by some louse.

And the best quart I'd hid
By the chimney with care
Had been swiped by some creep
Who'd discovered it there!

Our hung-over guests
Had been poured into bed
(They'll wake in the morn
With a God-awful head)

My tongue, cotton-coated
Hung down to my belt
And only the seasick
Could know how I felt!

My wife - she had long ago
Gone up to bed
While visions of Redskins
Danced in her head

And I in the parlor
Sat all alone
I'd unplugged the cat
And put out the phone

Just then, through a window
Came noise and smells
Like an overturned beer truck
And tinkle of bells!

I sprang from my chair
To see what was the matter
To see what was causing
The smell and the clatter

When what to my wondering
Eyes did appear
But eight drunken reindeer
And sled full of beer!

With a little old driver
Nose red as a brick
I knew it was Santa
As tight as a tick!

Weaving upward and downward
His reindeer they came
While he hiccoughed and burped
And called them by name:

"On Gallo! On Ripple!
We ain't got all night!
You, too, Manischevitz!
And you, Miller lite!

Ho Bud! Easy, Boh!
Give Busch there a hand!
Now now, Lowenbrau
-You can go when we land!

Head up for that roof
--Watch out for the wall!
Get going, you guys
We've got a long haul!"

So up to my roof
Went his reindeer and sled
But my TV antenna
Hit him right in the head!

And then in a twinkling
I heard Santa swear
So hot that it melted
The snow everywhere!

I could tell in a moment
This guy had no class
For he fell down my chimney
Right smack on his sack!

He was dresed all in fur
From his head to his toes
Red were his eyeballs
His coat and his nose

He had a round face
And toy-filled sack
His breath would have blown
A freight off the track!

He was chubby and plump
And he tried to stand right
But he couldn't fool me
-He was high as a kite!

He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work
And missed half the stockings
The plastered old jerk!

Then putting five fingers
To the end of his nose
He gave me the word
As up the chimney he rose

Crossing my rooftop
He went at a run
Not seeing what one
Of his reindeer had done

He skidded, and then
Fell flat on his face!
His remarks after this
Were a total disgrace!

Then he got in his sled
And I heard Santa moan:
"Why did I stop there?
Bux's kids are all grown!"

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!". So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I can't take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', I knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff." And the blonde says "Well, I did too! But I never would have thought that the man would do it again!"