Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?
A: Shoot four of them.
Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.
Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
A: Because most oboes are full of holes.
Q: How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
A: Steal his batteries.
Five Pound Note
Q: There's note on the floor; who picks it up? The thrash guitarist, the drummer who keeps good time, or the drummer who keeps bad time?
A: The drummer who keeps bad time, because the other drummer doesn't exist, and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.
How Late Does The Bagpipe Band Play
Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Turned A Peg
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.
In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as “strings.” Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as “percussionists.” Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn’t even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go and stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.