The Stick

''Did you ever find the guy?'' ''What guy?'' ''The guy who beat you with the ugly stick!''

Cops After You

The cops must be after you, because it's illegal to look that good.

Be Politically Correct With Men

• He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
• He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
• He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
• He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.
• He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
• He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
• He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
• He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.
• He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
• He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.
• He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.
• He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.
• He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.
• He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.
• He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.
• He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.