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The best jokes and joke writers!

This is one smart dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.  "An' wot's this then?",  he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. 

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy.  He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb."Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"  Again, the dog growls menacingly.

"Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket. The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog. "Hey, what are you doing?".   "That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.  "He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."

Puppy on a Plane

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.  Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him on board the airplane.  About 30 minutes into the trip a flight attendant noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you OK, sir?", asked the stew? "Yes, I'm fine." said the man. Sometime later the flight attendant noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"  "Yes." said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."  'Whats wrong?" asked the flight attendant, "Isn't he house broken?" "No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

No Dogs Allowed

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Heads and Tails

Q: How is a dog's tail like the center of a tree?

A: It's furthest from the bark!

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

Doesn't it annoy you when

  • ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
  • ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
  • ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
  • ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
  • ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
  • ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
  • ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
  • ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
  • ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
  • ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
  • ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
  • ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
  • ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
  • ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
  • ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
  • ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.