Animal Jokes

Q: Why was the glow worm unhappy?

A: Because her children weren't that bright!

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm, and he'd found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees. He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it. Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung. The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"

Q: What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman hollering on the back porch?

A: If you let them both inside, the dog will stop barking.

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.  The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.  

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.  Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.  He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.  One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.  He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.  

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.  He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.  "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

A farmer sent his 15 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck., "See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said. In town, the lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to..." "Sure," she said., "I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck." Afterwards, she said, "Do you know, for a 15 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck." "Sure," said the boy. When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2. When the lad returned home, his father asked, "Well, how did you make out?" His son replied, "Heck, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked-up duck!" As you want, no strings attached.