The Splice

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

Hippo

Q: What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?
A: One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.

Father Shark

A father shark is talking to his son. The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling. Continue circling for about 5 minutes, then you go in and eat them."
"Why circle them?" asks the son.
The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."