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The best jokes and joke writers!

Beer Before the Trouble

A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks what he'll have.
The man replies, "A beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts. The bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says, "A beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts." Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble he's talking about. The man says, "Give me a beer and I might just tell you." The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night." The man says, "Ohh, now the trouble starts..."

Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

  1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
  2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
  3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you.
  4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
  6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
  7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

Russian, Mexican, Texan

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan are hanging out in a bar. The Russian tosses up a whiskey bottle and says, "We have a lot of these back home." The Texan tosses up the Mexican and says, "We have a lot of these back home."

Bud Light

Bud Light has always been trans...

It's water that identifies as beer

Solutions To Drinking

A solution to all of your drinking troubles:

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass is empty.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Fault: Loss of self-control.

Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.

Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.

Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.

Fault: You are being carried out.

Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault: You have fallen over backwards.

Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault: You have fallen over forwards.

Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.

Fault: The pub is closing.

Solution: Panic.