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Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

  1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
  2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
  3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you.
  4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
  6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
  7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

Russian, Mexican, Texan

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan are hanging out in a bar. The Russian tosses up a whiskey bottle and says, "We have a lot of these back home." The Texan tosses up the Mexican and says, "We have a lot of these back home."

Bud Light

Bud Light has always been trans...

It's water that identifies as beer

Solutions To Drinking

A solution to all of your drinking troubles:

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass is empty.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Fault: Loss of self-control.

Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.

Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.

Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.

Fault: You are being carried out.

Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault: You have fallen over backwards.

Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault: You have fallen over forwards.

Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.

Fault: The pub is closing.

Solution: Panic.

Miller Time

My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere. In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.