What Is A Breathalyzer?
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool."Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drank way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"
“If the bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?”
A gorilla walks into a crowded bar, and being a huge gorilla, he has no trouble getting attention from the bartender and ordering. “I’ll have a Martini, please,” he says. The bartender figures the ape probably doesn’t know much about drink prices, and he says, “That’ll be $17.50.” To make small talk while making change, the bartender says, “Hey, you know, we don’t get many gorillas coming in here ordering Martinis.” The gorilla says, “At $17.50, I’m not surprised.”
Fishing with Jack
A man is going fishing one day. After awhile, he runs out of bait. He sees a snake nearby with a frog in its mouth. Knowing that a frog will make good bait, he catches the snake. He removes the frog, and thinks to himself, "How do I let the snake go without getting bit?" He ponders for a minute, then, with his free hand, reaches for his bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. He pops it open and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man tosses it away. Later, as he is getting ready to go home, he feels something on his foot. The man looks down to see the snake next to the whiskey, this time with two frogs in its mouth.
A Guide to Opening a Beer
Q: How do you open a can of beer?
A: That's not the point - it should be open when she gives it to you!