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Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

  1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
  2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
  3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
  4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock, one on our tail! Eject! Eject!
  5. Ummmmmm....Sorry...(silence)
  6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)...we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.
  7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently.
  8. Fasten your seat belt!!!
  9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway.
  10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
  11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ...Oh no!
  12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
  13. Get the parachutes ready...
  14. Drinks are on me..
  15. I'll have what the Captain's having...
  16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

Airline Food?!

Tower: "Delta 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

Delta 702: "Tower, Delta 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Southwest 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7 ... did you copy the report from Delta?"

Southwest 635: "Southwest 635, cleared for takeoff ... and yes, we copied Delta and we've already notified our caterers."

Stress Flight

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.  A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled; "Mayday, mayday!!  The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack.  I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.  I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. The employee in the tower put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions.  The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!"  He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that's good,remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."

New LA Airport

Q: If they build a new airport in LA, what will they call the old one?

A: EX-LAX

Yo Mama - Airplane

Yo momma so fat that when she was seated in the last row, the plane couldn't get off the ground.