Lawyer: Send Me

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

IRS Auditor Gets a Heart Transplant

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.  "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors, "we're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax auditor and want to find a suitable stone!"

Three Dickless Guys

There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's.
The first guy says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's the problem?" asks the doctor.  "I have no dick!" So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.
The next guy comes in and says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's wrong?" the doctor asks. "I have no dick!" The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.
The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.
A week later, the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!" "Why?" asks the doctor. "Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!" He walks out.
The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, "Doctor! I hate you" "Why?" the doctor asks. "Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!" He walks out.
The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says, "Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!" "Why?" "Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!"