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The best jokes and joke writers!

A Dose of HMO's Own Medicine

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.

Doctor: "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people."

St. Peter: "That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?"

Nurse: "I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult."

St. Peter: "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?"

Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: "I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country."

St. Peter: "Oh, I see. Please go in.. but you can only stay two nights!"

Going to the Doctors

There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered. "I'm going to have to run a few more tests," the doctor said. "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample." After she hung up, the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?" "Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear."

Bad News V Good News

Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?

Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.

Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.

Patient: Good grief! What's the good news?

Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.

Midget Visits the Doctor

A midget walks into the doctors and says, "Doc, I've got these fucking itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching." The Doc says, "I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya." So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes. The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes. The doc finishes and says, "How's that?" The midget says, "Fucking brilliant, what did you do?" The Doc says, "I trimmed back your high boots."

Bending

The old man was saying to his doctor, "You know, Doc, when I was young, it was as hard as a rock. As I got a little older, I could bend it a little and now I can bend it a lot. Does that mean I'm getting stronger?"