Rectum Stretcher

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill. Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change." "Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?" "Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector. "While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?" "Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked. Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher." "A what?" asked the collector. "A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a sideways glance. "What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked. "Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle. "Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked. "Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said. Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?" "...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interrupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet." "SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?" Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."

A Lawyer Died

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes. Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool. At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters. By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?" The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

Wild Animals

Teacher: "Name six wild animals."
Pupil: "Four elephants and two lions!"