Lacking all religion

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"  Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."  "You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?".  With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here." 
The young, determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?".  "Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.  "Are you prepared for the resurrection?", the frustrated preacher asked.  This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?".  Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."  Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

New Jersey and California

Q: Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California have all the lawyers?
A: Because New Jersey got first pick.

Riot Police

Q: Why do riot police like to get to work early?
A: To beat the crowd.