Good Girl

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.  
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.  I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

• "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
• "Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!"
• "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
• "Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there."
  "Oh no! Where's my Rolex. Oops!"
• "Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?"
• "There go the lights again?"
• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
• "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
• "Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing off my concentration."
• "What's this doing here?"
• "I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."
• "That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!"
• "Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
• "Sterile schmerile."
• "The floor's clean, right?"
• "OK, now take a picture from this angle."
• "This is truly a freak of nature."
• "This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?"
• "Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?"
• "Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."
• "What do you mean 'You want a divorce?!?"
• "FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"
• "Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

Lawyer and Pope go to Heaven

A lawyer and the Pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.
They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."