Hard Information

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

Terrified Postman

Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
A: A terrified postman!

Jackahump

Q: How do you stop a dog who's humping your leg?
A: Whack him off!