We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Carpool

 For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practice. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know!"

Voice Activated Radio

I just got my new Lexus RX400h, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this! He said, Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" He continued... and On The Road Again came from the speakers. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs. One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. "Nincompoops!!!? I yelled... The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax... I LOVE this car!

The Top Bad Excuses For Speeding

  1. "This is my tryout for Nascar."
  2. "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
  3. "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"
  4. "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
  5. "Cause those Gorditas rule."
  6. "Uh-Oh..Wapner's on...I'm an excellent driver."
  7. "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
  8. "Umm..I'm drunk?"
  9. "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"

Sunburn

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

Driving Exams

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.

Liz: I'm the examiner!