Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.
Murphy's Martial Laws
Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:
- The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
- The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
- The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
- The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
- If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
- After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
- After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
- In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
- No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.
I quit gymnastics after I was disqualified because I competed in the wrong event due to a clerical error.
It wasn't my vault.
Make a Pool Table Laugh
Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?
A: Put your hand down its pocket and tickle its balls!
Skiing Season Training
Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!