Survival Sport

Swimmimg... it's not a sport, it's a way to keep from drowning.

Wrestler

There's an up-and-coming wrestler and he's rising steadily in the ranks. He's so good, that he asks his manager to set up a title fight with The Champ. "No way," the manager says, you just ain't ready. The Champ has his signature move, the 'Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press', no one has ever escaped it. Forget it!"
But the wrestler won't forget it. He keeps on and on at his manager until the old man is at the end of his rope. Finally, he cracks. "OK," he says, "you asked for it. A shot at The Champ. Well, you're getting it! But listen up, he WILL get you into his Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press, and when he does I ain't waitin' around. I'll throw in the towel the instant he traps you."
The big night comes, the wrestler gets careless and the manager's worst fear is realized. The Champ gets our boy into the Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press in the first minute!
The wrestler's face is a beet red mask of agony and the Manager goes to throw in the towel, only to find it gone. He left it in the dressing room!
He sprints to go grab it, but just as he gets to the dressing room he hears the sound of a bell and a massive cheer shakes the building. It's all over. He takes a seat and waits for the wrestler to reappear, which he does - staggering into the room.
"I told you kid," the Manager says. "I warned you, It's all over."
"I won," the wrestler says. "Won? What do you mean, 'won'? You can't have won! He had you! He had you in the Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press! 
"Oh, he did," replies the wrestler. "and it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. He had me folded over, bent backwards - but just as I was about to black out, I saw it."
"Saw what?"
"A big pair of nuts hanging right in front of my face, just swinging there. So I bit them!"
"You - bit...?"
"Yep! Chomped my teeth right down on those suckers! And then it was easy - I just stood up, threw him down and got him into a simple half-Nelson. He never stood a chance."
"My God!"
"Yep," said the wrestler. "It's incredible the sudden surge of strength you get from biting your own nuts."

New Medical Study

A new medical study has shown that a woman's breast-feeding isn't adversely affected by aerobics. It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the class.