Sports Jokes

A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest, “Father, I have sinned; I was golfing yesterday and I cursed.” The priest replies, “Would you like to tell me about it?” “Well,” the guy says. “I was on the seventh hole, and I’d just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, and a long way out there. Feeling pretty good about myself, I walked toward my ball, but as I got within thirty feet of it, a squirrel ran out of the forest and grabbed my ball.” The priest interrupts, “Oh, I see, that’s when you cursed.” The man replies, “No, Father, I didn’t curse then. But as the squirrel was running away, it reached the edge of the fairway and was quickly caught by a hawk, which flew up high into the air.” Once again the priest interrupts, “So that’s when you cursed?” The man continues, “No, Father, the hawk started flying away, and I followed it, because it flew in the direction of the green. As it passed over the green, it dropped the squirrel out of its talons, causing the squirrel to drop my ball about three feet from the pin.”  The priest says: "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt."

Three guys from Carolina died and went to hell. Satan went to check on them and saw that they had their shirts off and didn't mind the heat, so he turned up the heat. He went to check on them again and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn't mind the heat. Satan went and turned the temperature down to minus twenty. Satan went to check on them and he saw that they were in their coats cheering. He went up to them and asked why they were cheering. One of them yelled out "Hell froze over, the Hurricanes must have won the cup!"

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?

Player: I finished it in three days!

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy. "Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

Three men were out golfing with the club pro one day. The first man teed off and hit a dribbling ball about 60 yards. He turned to the pro and asked, "What did I do wrong?" The pro replied, "Loft." The next golfer teed off and hooked the ball into the woods. He asked the pro the same question. The pro again answered, "Loft." The third man teed off and sliced it into a pond. He too asked the pro, "What did I do wrong?" Again, "Loft." As they were walking down the fairway, the first man finally spoke up to the pro. "All three of us hit completely different tee shots and yet when we asked you what we did wrong, you gave the same exact answer every time. "So what does Loft mean?" asked the three men. "The pro shook his head and said, "Lack of Friggin' Talent!"