Sexist Jokes - Men vs Women Jokes

Q: Why don't women have any brains?

A: Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.

God is a woman. I know this because if God was a man, He would have created the whole population female, and only one man. Then, He would have invited that male to the top of the mountain to look down at all the beautiful females. Then God would have gotten jealous and killed him.

1. "Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
2. "I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
3. "I'm not really married."
4. "It's only a cold sore."
5. "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
6. "Size isn't important."
7. "This won't hurt, I promise."
8. "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
9. "We'll always be together."
10. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
11. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
12. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
13. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
14. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
15. All the good ones are taken.
16. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
17. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
18. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
19. Do it only with the best.
20. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
21. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
22. Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
23. If it seems too good to be true,it probably is.
24. If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
25. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law).
26. If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.
27. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
28. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
29. It is always the wrong time of month.
30. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
31. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
32. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
33. Love comes in spurts.
34. Love is a hole in the heart.
35. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
36. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
39. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
40. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
41. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
42. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
43. Never say no.
44. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
45. Nice guys finish last.
46. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
47. No sex with anyone in the same office.
48. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
49. Nothing improves with age.
50. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
51. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
52. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
53. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
54. Sex has no calories.
55. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
56. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
57. Sex is hereditary.
58. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
59. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
60. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
61. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
62. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
63. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
64. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
65. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
66. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
67. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
68. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
69. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
70. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
71. The younger the better.
72. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
73. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
74. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
75. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
76. Virginity can be cured.
77. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
78. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
79. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
80. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
81. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.
82. and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Men have a good memory, it's just short!
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Most women are introverted: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are extroverted: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

John Hopkins Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department: A child was born with both male and female organs.

A penis and a brain!