Prerequisite For Farting
Q: Why do men break wind more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Typical Male
Q: How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
A: All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
First Date
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber. Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you." She breathed a sigh of relief. He went on, "What do you think about me?"
College Classes for Men!
College Classes For Men:
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action / Adventure" Category or selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television.
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
I'm Glad I'm A Woman
- I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
- I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
- I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
- I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
- I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
- And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
- I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
- My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
- And I don't go around "re adjusting" my crotch
- Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
- I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
- I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
- I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
- I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
- It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
- When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
- And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
- I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
- Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
- I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
- And I honestly think its a privilege for me
- To have these two boobs and squat when I pee
- I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
- I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
- I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
- Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
- Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
- Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
- Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
- You can forget all about that old penis envy
- I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
- Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
- I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
- I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
