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The best jokes and joke writers!

Just Like Dad

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Man and E.T.

Q: What's the difference between a typical man and E.T.?

A: E.T. phoned home.

What Men Say & What They Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means... ."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake?"

"That's women's work." Really means....  "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....   "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means...   "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

Getting A Haircut

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

Great Female Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

 

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

 

Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

 

Man: "Your place or mine?"

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

 

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

 

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not Enter"

 

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized !"

 

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

 

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."

Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

 

Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"

 

Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

 

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."

Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

 

Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

 

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

 

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."

Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?