Man and E.T.

Q: What's the difference between a typical man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Translating Menspeak

When He Says - He Really Means
Do you have the time? - to go to bed
Hello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
How are you? - in bed, I mean.
I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.
I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.
I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.
I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.
I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.
I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.
I'm in television. - I fix them.
I'm involved in banking. - I'm a bank guard.
I'm self-employed. - I just got fired.
I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. - I'm sorry I got caught.
I'm thinking of relocating. - I can't find a job locally in this town.
I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. - Be patient forever.
I enjoy reading. - Playboy and Penthouse.
I have the Midas touch. - I install mufflers.
I like a woman who is intelligent. - As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
I love opera. - I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
I play the market. - Safeway
I work high up in an executive office. - I'm a window washer.
I work with computers. - I'm a cashier at a gas station.
Looking for a satisfying relationship. - I want sex.
My business is really hot right now! - I hand out towels in a steam room.
My job keeps me running. - I'm a messenger.
My wife and I are separated. - She's at home and I'm here at the bar.

Still do it?

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."