Can't Quit Cold Turkey

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!" Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy dear, can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

I Said...I Really Mean

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

• We need = I want
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
• I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
• Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
• Yes = No
• No = No
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
• I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
• All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?" 

• The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Everything = PMS again.
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain.
• I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH: 

• "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
• "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
• "I'm tired" = I'm tired
• "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
• "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
• "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person.
• "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Woman Visits the Therapist

A lady visits her therapist. "I think my husband is a son of a bitch." The therapist asks why she thinks that. She replies, "Well, he kisses me." The therapist kisses her and says, "I kissed you, and I'm not a son of a bitch." She replies, "Yes, but he feels me up." The therapist proceeds to feel her up. He returns to his seat and says, "I felt you up, and I'm not a son of a bitch." The lady replies, "But he -- you know -- has sex with me." So the therapist goes over and has sex with her. After they're finished, the therapist says, "See, I just had sex with you, and I'm not a son of a bitch." The lady says, "Yes, but my husband has AIDS." The therapist says, "SON OF A BITCH."