Man On Bridge
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well ... are you religious or atheist?" "Religious." "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist." "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
After a terrible Christmas Eve car accident, three guys died and went to heaven. St. Peter met them at the gates and asked that they show him something related to Christmas to enter heaven. The first guy rummages through his pockets and pulls out a lighter, lights it and said, "Christmas Candle." St. Peter agreed that there were indeed Christmas candles and let him pass. The second guy fishes around and pulls out a set of keys, shakes them and says, "Christmas bells." St. Peter again agrees and sends him through. The third guy reached into his coat pocket and pulls out a pair of girls panties. St. Peter said, "Now what do panties have to do with Christmas?" The guy said "Oh, these are Carols."
One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton and an extremely religious guy named Phil who's only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary. Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to hell and Bill went to heaven, but only for about 20 minutes. On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said, "Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary". Bill Clinton replied, "Sorry buddy, you're 15 minutes late!"
Q: Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Phone a Friend
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!" Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"