Fulfilling Their Requests
There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted. The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter. The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter. The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter. So God made him a woman !!
Change My Mind
The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, "I'll give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. "I'll give a thousand dollars!"
The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"
God & The Two Gifts
When God created the earth, then Adam and Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam and Eve and said, "I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up." Adam got very excited, "Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I'm out in the fields, I can just go right there." So Eve smiled and said, "Okay, it sounds like he really wants that." As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiosity, "What was the other gift?". "Oh," God said, looking at Eve with a smile, "Multiple orgasms!".
God Throwing Out Intelligence Insult
When God was raining intelligence down on the Earth, you were holding an umbrella!
Please Send Help
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"