The Atheist Explorer
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!." There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
Dog Died and went to Heaven
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. "You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
What is a Headache
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
Let There Be Light
Yo momma's so fat, when the lord said - "Let There Be Light", he had to ask her to move over!
- If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
- Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
- Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
- Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
- Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.
- Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.
- What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
- Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?