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The best jokes and joke writers!

Adam Talks To God.

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?" GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create." So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?" "I did that, Adam, so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?" "I did that Adam so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid?  Certainly not so that I could love her?" "Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

God Humor

Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asked the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A minute."
Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A penny."
Smith asked, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replied, "In a minute."

Signs Seen Near Church

The following are actual signs found on church property.

  • "No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
  • "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
  • "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
  • "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
  • An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
  • When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
  • "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons, come hear one!"
  • A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
  • "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
  • "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
  • "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
  • "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
  • "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
  • "Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
  • "How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
  • "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
  • "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low,  but the retirement benefits are out of this world."
  • "Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
  • "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
  • "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
  • "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
  • "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
  • "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
  • "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)
  • "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
  • "In the dark? Follow the Son."
  • "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
  • "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

The Contest with GOD!

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore. One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed. The scientist says to God "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you." God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?" The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?" God: "A man-making contest." The scientist: "Sure! No problem". The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!" God replies, "No, no, no... You go get your own dirt."

The Burglar and the Parrot

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!