Priest Retirement

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and when questioned by the police was able to lie his way out of it. He also stole money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife,  had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs, had several homosexual affairs, was
 arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician.  "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Ancient History Explained...

Ancient History Explained... A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order; A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.  After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time. The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"

Three Holy Men

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. 
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first."'Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." 
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!" 
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."