Lacking all religion

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"  Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."  "You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?".  With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here." 
The young, determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?".  "Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.  "Are you prepared for the resurrection?", the frustrated preacher asked.  This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?".  Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."  Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

Abo's at the Pearly Gates

St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo's stroll up ."Your names aren't on today's list... let me go and ask the Boss" he says. In God's office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo's, and God tells Peter to go and tell them to fuck right off. St. Peter takes his leave. 5 minutes later St. Peter runs back into the room and says "they're gone." God says, "the Abo's? Good," and St Peter replies... "NO THE PEARLY GATES!!!"

George W. Bush and Jewish Friend

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby. They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it. After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"