New From Mattel

"Divorce Barbie!" Comes with all of Ken's belongings!

I Get No Respect Part 2

• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
• Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said "I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
• I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your mark..."
• On Halloween parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
• I had a lot of pimples when I was younger. One day I fell asleep in a library; I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Thoughts From Women About Being a Woman

• The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ( Helen Hayes (at 73)
• I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.  (Janette Barber)
• Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin)
• A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. (Carrie Snow)
• Old age ain't no place for sissies. (Bette Davis)
• If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Catherine Aird)
• A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. (Rhonda Hansome)
• The phrase "working mother" is redundant. (Jane Sellman)
• Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)
• Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. (Caryn Leschen)
• Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"?  Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. (Jan King)
• I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)
• When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!* (Kathy Buckley)
• I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. (Dolly Parton)
• You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. (Erica Jong)
• If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. (Sue Grafton)
• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. (Laurie Kuslansky)
• I think - therefore I'm single. (Lizz Winstead)
• You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. (Geri Jewell)
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler)
• Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. (Maryon Pearson)
• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher)
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. (Gloria Steinem)
• I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. (Marie Corelli)
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? (Linda Ellerbee)
• Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. (Eleanor Roosevelt)