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The best jokes and joke writers!

Girl Talk

The Franklin Factor:  Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race:  If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription:  Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule:  A watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call:  Never pick up the phone on Saturday night, it's a call from a creep you told you were busy.

The Fishing Forecast:  They say there are lots of good fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?

The Psychological Prognosis:  Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.

The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.

Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.

The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

The Unintended Result:

  • Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy
  • Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love
  • Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex
  • Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.

The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.

Twain's Truth:  Familiarity breeds children.

The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.

The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

Italian Wedding Night Tradition

As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions. Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama." Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!" Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy." But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!" Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy." Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!" Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol -- this is a job for Mama!"

The Honeymoon.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.  An elderly couple ran the resort and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love. "The old man replied, "I thought so, but would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!"

Pre Wedding Blow Job

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

Digital Love

Dearest Dad,

I'm coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook and had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes and a really big wedding. Lots of love and thanks. Your favorite daughter, Lilly

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool! and a big whatever... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell his sorry ass on eBay!

Love, Your Dad