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The best jokes and joke writers!

You'll Never Hear a Man Say...

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

  • Here honey, you use the remote.
  • You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
  • Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
  • While I'm up, can I get you anything?
  • Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
  • Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
  • Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
  • Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
  • We never talk anymore.

Extra Office Work

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?" The manager replied; "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

Guide For All Women


I'M HUNGRY. I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY. I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED. I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO. Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG? I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG? What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY. I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME? I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME? I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

Chinese Proverbs

  • Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
  • Man who run in front of car get tired.
  • Man who run behind car get exhausted.
  • Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
  • Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
  • Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
  • Man with one chopstick go hungry.
  • Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.
  • Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
  • Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
  • Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
  • War not determine who right, war determine who left.
  • Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
  • Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
  • It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
  • Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
  • Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
  • Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
  • Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
  • Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
  • Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

Woman With a Black Eye

A woman went to the bar with a black eye. "How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender. "From my husband," she replied. "But I thought he was out of town?" he asked. "So did I!" she said.