Guide For All Women
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY. I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY. I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED. I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA GO. Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT'S WRONG? I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG? What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY. I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME? I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME? I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
Woman With a Black Eye
A woman went to the bar with a black eye. "How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender. "From my husband," she replied. "But I thought he was out of town?" he asked. "So did I!" she said.
The Rules ... by Men
- Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
- If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret, girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
- If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
- It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
- Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
- Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
- You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
- Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
- When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
- Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Ant and Elephant Romance
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
Shared Decision Making
My wife and I have an agreement that works... She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones. This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room. I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFC's from automobile air conditioners.