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The best jokes and joke writers!

Relationship Equations

  • Smart man + smart woman = romance
  • Smart man + dumb woman = affair
  • Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
  • Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Special Night

There are three women. One is dating, one is engaged, and one is married. They decide to get kinky with their men and really pull out all the stops to make it extra special. The woman who is dating says, “Okay, so I bought black leather, red lipstick, fishnet stockings, and really got crazy. He loved it so much he thinks he’s in love.” The woman who is engaged says, “I showed up to his work after hours wearing only a red coat. Let’s just say he wants to move the wedding date up!” The woman who is married says, “Okay, I really went all out. I got a babysitter for the kids, and bought a black mask and a whip. My husband gets home, goes straight to the fridge, and grabs a beer. Then he plops down on the couch and says, "Hey Batman! Where the f*ck is dinner?!?"

Meet the Father

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

Abstinence

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
 

You'll Never Hear a Man Say...

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

  • Here honey, you use the remote.
  • You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
  • Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
  • While I'm up, can I get you anything?
  • Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
  • Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
  • Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
  • Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
  • We never talk anymore.